We are so exited about this, as we have just started to get to know some of the amazing writers and we just know that we have found the place where we "belong". A place that is consumed with an abundance of others who, like us, will lock themselves in a room without social interaction...and it's not only normal, but the cool thing to do:)
Now...we are ready to get our toms dirty and jump right in. Having said that; here is our latest and greatest query for our second completed MS; Broken Eros.
Broken Eros
YA modern mythology
Completed at 79,000 words
Eros, the god of love, is supposed to save humanity from their
loneliness and despair, however he is the one in need of saving.
After his love, Psyche, was taken from him by the hands of the
mother he adores, Eros fled Mount Olympus and renounced his duties, inevitably
leading to the downfall of altruistic and unconditional agape love. For 2,549
years, torn from his family and estranged from his mother, Aphrodite, Eros has
lived amongst the lust and deceit of humans in an attempt to lose his identity
completely.
Until the moment the essence of Psyche looked back at him
through the briny sapphire eyes of her descendent, Mariposa.
As their fates are woven together the hope in Eros’ heart is
restored. But Aphrodite’s jealous nature leads her to interfere once more,
setting Mariposa up to betray him. The pain of losing his one true love again
forces him to escape back home to Mount Olympus, leaving Mariposa defenseless
in the hands of the spiteful Aphrodite.
To fight for a chance to get Eros back, Mariposa becomes
Aphrodite’s captive and is forced to endure excruciating tasks. But when she is
sent down through the gates of the underworld she finds herself without a
chance of escaping and ever seeing Eros again. Eros must find a way to look
past his shattered heart and find her before her fragile human life is
eternally lost in his world’s darkest place.
Bringing selfless agape love back to humanity must begin with
his sacrifice.
You have structure down, it's the details and hooks that need some refining. You spend most of your words in description, which isn't exactly necessary in a query. Pare down on that and it'll give you more room for explaining your premise. Such as how this situation is affecting humans (seems theres an A and B plot here). The use of agape love makes the depth of unconditional seem like its not enough, so I don't think that word is needed. There's also a lot of charcters involved here, you might want to try and weed out as many proper names as you can. The concept itself sounds fun as a reimagining- play off that more!
ReplyDeleteThanks Rachel. We are gonna get hacking at it again and will def try and cut on the names. In regards to the descriptions...i'm curious, the voice and writing style of our book is very descriptive and somewhat poetic, by taking that out of the query do we lose the relative nature to the MS?
DeleteAfter Eros' love was taken (can you use a stronger verb here than taken?) from him by Aphrodite, his mother, Eros fled Mount Olympus. The god of love renounced his duties, leading to the downfall of altruistic and agape love. For 2,549 years, Eros has lived amongst humans to lose his identity completely.
ReplyDeleteUntil the moment the essence of his love looked back at him through the briny sapphire eyes of her descendent, Mariposa. Aphrodite’s jealous nature leads her to interfere once more and sends Mariposa to the underworld. Eros must find a way to look past his shattered heart and find Mariposa before her fragile human life is eternally lost.
I think focusing more on Eros and his personal stakes is better than going back and forth between him and humanity.
I hope some of this helps! I know I cut a lot out but I sometimes think shorter is better.
Thank you Nicole! We really appreciate you taking the time to look and help us revise. I think we have such a hard time losing what *we* feel is so important. Ya know? We are about to do a revision and see what we come up with next...yikes!
DeleteStakes! Stakes! Stakes!
ReplyDeletePare down the proper names--for sure.
Drop the backstory and choose the one moment in time where everything climaxes in the book.
Who's the MC? What major challenge does s/he face? Why is s/he the only one that can overcome it? What happens if s/he doesn't? Why should I 'care' if the MC succeeds or not?
Note: "briny sapphire eyes" sounds like you're tryling REALLY hard...
Keep hacking at it. My pitches have gone through more incarnations than Zeus has illegitimate children! ;)
Thank you a ton! We really appreciate you taking the time to look at what we have. If you dont mind, i have a question..how do you feel about just "briny eyes?" The MS has a strong theme of the ocean and specifically with our descriptions.
DeleteAny suggestions on the hook line? Does it feel weak?
Sorry I'm late commenting on this, but I had other commitments that interrupted my rounds on the Query Roundtable.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question in your last comment, Yes, I think your hook line, as it stands, is kind of weak. "Eros, the god of love, is supposed to save humanity from their loneliness and despair, however he is the one in need of saving." Eros needs saving? From what? Why?
Maybe you could try switching it up just a bit to make it more active/urgent... "As the god of love, Eros is supposed to save humanity from loneliness and despair, but when his own mother takes his true love from him, Eros can't even save himself." - Okay, that attempt was completely awkward, but I hope it helps as a jumping-off point. Because the idea for the hook is great, it just needs some slight tweaking.